Trials and Tribulations of getting Married
Deciding on a wedding cake that not only feeds everyone, but also looks the part and represents your future; solid,secure and a bit ostentatious!
When an unexpected relative/friend turns up to your wedding day unannounced; who your other half despises and yet has to be calm to stop an argument and yet they seem to eat all the canapés!
The person who is responsible for your days physical memory. As well as waiting in extreme cold or heat whilst he/she acts like a prima donna, pushing and shoving people,you’d rather not see or even better; don’t know, into an orchestrated representation of unity...
Feelings of excitement, adrenaline, anxiety, knowing that from tomorrow you are no longer responsible for just your own misfortunes and irresponsibility, but someone else’s and may have to justify their future actions to your Mother and or Father!
This is the title of the person who you can now think of a your newly adopted ‘Mum’. Infact, she may well insist on you calling her just that, in order to feel more connected or rather dominant in your wedding planning...
The place that hopefully, was your first choice, but regardless, is dressed in flowers and other decorations, to make the guests feel somewhat impressed that you’ve outdone yourselves to make your friends jealous.
An obsessive over priced item of clothing will only be worn once. A dress that has been sculpted, manipulated and tailored resulting in; tears, diets, debt and arguments to create a princess for the day...
Your intended’s best friend, who has been scrupulously vetted to make sure he/she has no intention of saying or doing anything offensive to either in-laws, friends or other relatives.....
The official tangible declaration ,post social media, that you are about to undertake one of the most financially stressful events in your life!
The person who has to sit through copious amounts of discussions about invitations, venues, flowers, food, photographers, wedding rings,, entertainment, guest lists, table placements, caterer’s, honeymoon destinations...all by and largely...reluctantly
A collection of girlfriend’s who normally wouldn’t be seen dead in the dress they are being asked to wear on the big day. Nevertheless, they will all reciprocate by arranging a humiliating ‘hen party’ by which the bride may be forced to engage in activities of a degrading nature..
Generally a woman, but regardless of gender, this is the person that is that is the sole perpetrator of most of the financial and emotional implications of the big day....
Implementing religious traditions and beliefs into the civil process of getting married. This can be in a Church, Synagogue, Mosque or Elvis Drive Through....
Traditionally, a beverage used to toast the bride and groom, but more often used as liquid refreshment to speak your mind about relatives and aquaintences you only see at family gatherings....
This is a person or company that makes you spend more money on things you never realised you needed or perhaps never did in the first place, as well as the essentials of keeping the peace...
Traditionally a gathering of females to celebrate the incoming nuptials of their ‘bestie’. This may include the ritualistic adornment of inappropriate clothing, entertainment and alcohol consumption on the basis that, she is now sexually and emotionally committed to one person...
This is a multifunctional layout of your wedding meal. It not only serves as a visual display of status within your family and friends but it can also be used by some guests to look unequivocally interested when they don’t know anyone and therefore look physically occupied, although in reality, they are just bored that the photographer is taking so long...
Traditionally a gathering of males to celebrate or commiserate the end of a salubrious past. This may include the ritualistic participation in inappropriate entertainment and alcohol consumption on the basis that, he is now sexually and emotionally committing to one person...
This is the part of the wedding event that can happen either before or after the wedding meal. It is usually given by the Father of the bride, bridegroom and best Man. It is an opportunity for emotional recollections, loving testimonies but usually sabotaged by the embarrassing stories that the bride or groom would rather not hear, in a desperate narcissistic attempt by the best Man to say or do something ‘funny’....
Choosing the time for your wedding can be very important. The seasons dictate clothing choices as well as venue choices. However, there are occasions where haste is necessary, especially if no amount of dieting will invariably hide that massive bump!!
The final destination at which the happy couple can sit a reflect on the behaviour of their guests on the big day as well as the tally of white goods accumulated from their John Lewis/JC Penny wedding gift list account...
This is the the special part of the day when you finally get to spend the rest of the night with your new soul mate, consummating your connection with the final act of intimacy; a good argument about how drunk and vulgar his rugby, football friends are, or why her bridesmaids started crying!!